almost 3 weeks into the new year

It has also been a year of renewal and trying new things.

*  I took a test on my Chakras and realized that my body is too closed. [I also now realize what my acting teachers were telling me when we did our exercises. I'm too analytical and focus too much rather than just living and doing. It's so weird, I can be myself around the familiar faces and even act out in the grocery store, mall, restaurant, etc. but when it comes time to actually perform a piece I don't go to the level i'm suppose to. Things feel coerced.]  I am trying Yoga to balance the chakras and doing tonics to help my body and mind relationship... we'll see how that goes :-)

*  Tried Modeling for the [actual] first time... Went with one of my best friends and it's a lot of fun. Again it's the analytical person inside of me that needs to be turned off. Was a bit frigid and, perhaps, it was the unfamiliarity of the terrain and meeting new people that made me freeze. The other thing I have observed about myself is that I need to be told what to do when it comes to the camera. Sometimes I have to have structure... That poses a problem because it's potential for blackmail and being used.

*  Going Vegan has been pretty hard. Especially going to restaurants- milk, honey, and eggs are in virtually everything... The main accomplishment has been reducing animal byproducts to at most a meal a day. Kryptonite being Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate... It's a dichotomy of the extremes- super sweet, super salty, creamy, and yet gritty. [Side note: I have been a vegetarian for almost 9 years.] oh and the other being Mead/Honey wine... Holy crap that stuff is bloody brills!

*  Livestrong app for iphone has been the cornerstone for losing weight. Unfortunately, I haven't been too kind to my body... only less than 1000 calories per day... in conjunction with exercising fairly regularly. It would be so nice to learn how to love myself instead of hearing the ex-boyfriends' voices in my head telling me that i'm "not skinny enough" for them... It's becoming trite and in order to love someone I have to love myself first...

Mental abuse is something that is so hard to overcome, I have flaws- More moles than Busy Phillips, a bad back, asymmetrical face, small boobs, big butt, hourglass figure, i'm loud/opinionated but by the same token also very shy, . When I was a child I had really ugly teeth and got that fixed when I was in my junior year of high school. It was great to improve just a bit of confidence. I also developed a nasty habit of cutting myself which only added fuel to the fire. I think as much as my mum doesn't believe it, I do think I have/had an eating disorder. [damn it feels great to get this all out of my body, step 1 out of 12 :-)]

*  Practicing with healing crystals and trying a variety of new age practices and responding with the environment. We are the makers of our lives and it would be great to be positive and live a fairy tale life. These things are possible... We are a product of the earth and we communicate with the earth. There are many different ways to do so whether praying, chanting, etc. This has been my form of taking parts of the earth and enveloping into my body.

In a few weeks time I will find out about grad school... I applied to the Miami University in conjunction with the local zoo here and I'm seriously hoping that I can do this! Zoology, animal behavior, and conservation biology are my main passions in life! I love animals more than anything in the world! I would bend over backwards for any animal in harm's way! It's something I've wanted to do since I was 5 years old (well that and a farmer... lol)

*  Found out where the love of my life is going to be in July-August and have decided to go out and see him swim again... He retired and has decided to come back which is absolutely the highlight of my 15 years of loving him since I saw him in the 1998 commonwealth games on TV... I can only hope that I get to meet him. Aside from trying this new age stuff for personal growth, I have donated my time and money to the zoo and animal shelter to accrue good karma. Doing good things for people so I can have a good thing happen to me. It may seem beyond bizarre but it's a theory I'm willing to try, Lord willing.

Anyway that's just been in 3 weeks... to be continued....

Cheers,
CK

2013

This year has been quite a whirlwind of emotions. Since September of 2012, Personal issues have been like ocean waves, hitting a beautiful high and then crashing into rocks, obliterating anything only to recede and start all over again:

End of July- August- Drove with Mum and Bro from Denver to Seattle, stopping through Yellowstone and then back to Denver. Drove home on my birthday. Wasn't really acknowledged nor celebrated. boo.

September- I ended up going on a beautiful trip to my ancestor's homeland, Ukraine (with stops to the Netherlands and Belgium). It was inspiring to see Kiev and then the memorial/grave of one of the greatest Ukraine writers and poets, Taras Shevchenko. Meeting and speaking with the locals was soul-enriching and being able to speak in the true native tongue did not keep a dry eye with anyone we came into contact. I enjoyed catching up with one of my mum's friend in Amsterdam, someone who held me when I was a youngster. We stopped into Bruges. That place was absolutely amazing. Seeing Mr. Fidel in the windowsill overlooking the canal was definitely a highlight (pic Above). The chocolates, food, wine, atmosphere in Europe is something I cannot define. It's pretentious, but by the same token, definitely not. Everything is within walking distance or a train trip. Feel like a "holiday", why not go to another country? Don't mind if I do?!

October- Had to euthanize our 8.5 year old Beagle, Max, poor bugger wasn't doing well. At the end of the month, found out my Nan has advanced Neuroendocrine cancer. It's just been shite.
November- Slipped Disc (6 weeks of therapy)
December- found out I have a ruptured Ovarian Cyst and a bicornuate uterus. It put things into perspective, I never really wanted to have children, there were moments I wanted a ton and then none. Having the chances of conceiving reduced to practically nil is pretty earth-shattering. The privilege being taken away just leaves nothing more than a cynic. How can people who eat Mickey D's every bloody day, every meal of the day, conceive multiple children but someone who does not abuse their temple can't? The dichotomy of this world... I swear. Oh and we won't go into the whole being-given-empty-promises-and-then-losing-your-job-because-place-is-doing-bad-financially.

We went to our fave French Restaurant in downtown Denver for New Year's Eve and had a wonderful meal: Eggplant wellington with sweet potato ragout and raspberry-espresso sauce, poached pear and goat cheese salad, followed by chocolate, almond, caramel, coffee dessert. The europeans make brill desserts, don't know how to explain it. Nevertheless, stuffed to the brim and only to receive a rude awakening. We paid our bloody $10 for parking and the person saw us put in our money but we got a ticket. Word to the wise- do NOT park in the lot next to Le Central. Bunch of cons if you ask me.

So far 2013 is shaping up to be quite a year. I can only hope that the storm can settle and that I can fight for what I want in this life. I wish nothing but the best for you all :)

New Year's resolution:

Going Vegan
Meeting the love of my life in Spain
Losing the 15 I put on during the holidays