Starting to overthink the future.

Was having a bit of a weird day. It's Easter weekend and so my family and I went to see My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 and ate Greek food afterwards. The movie hit a soft spot. I feel as though I'm not good enough to be in a relationship or have nothing to offer another person. That having a best friend and lover is just not in my cards. It was just a moment of weakness. Plus, lately I've just been putting myself in situations of feeling used as an endgame... Also, I see my parents' love of 30+ years and my brother and his girl of ~2 years... It's hard to believe that it could ever happen to me... 

My inner monologue goes something like this- I really want to give my all to someone. Have wonderful weekend nights out with that someone and then coming home together, honoring each other's needs. Realizing that despite our busy schedules throughout the week, we make time for each other. I want to cook every night for him and watch movies together on the couch, snuggled up in sweats. Tickle fights and back rubs. Providing our own dialogue to movies being the smart arsed people we are. Something so beautiful and simple. Surprising each other by listening to our deepest desires and acting upon it, provided the timing is right. Supporting and loving one another no matter what. Giving each other space and living our own lives but still coming home to each other. Being that fiercely loyal lion. Not giving up when it's hard, working at it and compromising. [God, I hate being single. Worst, I hate feeling sorry for myself like this. Plus am I just romanticizing love? Or deluded...]

Anyway, I suppose my guy friends best reap the rewards I'm giving. Simply just out of being nice and fulfilling some kind of nurturing need... Giving has always been easy for me. It's not a selfish, like looking for gratification, thing. I just enjoy doing things without expectations or reciprocation. 

Was thinking that maybe stress of this last year of university and working full-time is causing this anxiety about feeling as though relationships aren't in my future. I keep thinking I'll end up an old spinster with dogs and rabbits. End of 2016 into 2017 is the tentative plan of becoming emotionally available and open to any possibility. No expectations, just whatever happens, happens. But my priorities are school, work, and living life for me-healing from grief considering how many deaths I took personally last year. 

Sorry about the hard-to-follow text. Just needed to brain dump. It's stupid but it's cumbersome to feel this way... 

The other half of my soul is gone (Part 1)

I had never wanted to get an Australian Shepherd because I thought it was cruel their tails were docked. One Valentine's day (2003) I got this little card from my best friend with a blue merle aussie on it and just thought it was the most precious dog on the face of this planet. As a 14 year old girl, it was all impulsivity and the cute things in life that were part of coping with the ridiculous hormonal changes that happen. SOLD!

Never became obsolete. As it always does...

I consulted my parents to get a dog (albeit naively... anyone with an aussie understands) and the classified section of the newspaper religiously to find a blue merle puppy within a decent price range ($300). Finally found a lady in Salida who had a litter born January 18th, 2004. Because of the distance we decided to compromise and find a destination midway- less stress on all fronts. It was Good Friday 2004, when my family and I went up to the Thornton or Brighton Fairgrounds (some kind of dog show... my memory gets a bit hazy here) and met this mottled furball with green and gold marbles for eyes and one black- socked paw. The lady appropriately named this dainty legged pup- Tenderfoot.

Something cosmic happened... I can't exactly explain what/how but just think of when Harry Potter gets matched with his wand.. (corny, I know, but it's the example that came to mind)... Nevertheless, All felt right with the world... 

Sydney Truganini Adelaide Bugir. 

We already had a chow chow named Coco, who we brought with us when we came to the States from Australia. She was my mother's dog and I was so adamant about having my own velcro dog. We introduced Sydney to Coco, much to the matron dog's dismay... It was clear who was alpha-bitch. 

I had my own companion. 

That night, I took her for a walk so she could clear her little bladder and we went to sleep. She peed on the carpet and I started having regrets as I was cleaning (think postpartum depression kind of regrets). BUT, I was in this for life. Her life was in my hands. Couldn't wait to see her capabilities and what essentially I was getting into...She was so smart and picked up sitting straight away. On Easter Sunday, we got a Beagle named Max and that was my brother's dog. Syd and Max were instantly the best of friends. In retrospect, he probably thought more of the world of her and she was just so ADD.. took after me, in that sense... 

Those two were a comedic duo and definitely worked in concertina destroying our material possessions... One story that comes to mind-

My dad had wanted a Linden tree. It's a Ukrainian thing. Linden trees can be used as tea for fevers and some other old wives' tale mythology I can't necessarily remember. Anyway, Syd formulated this plan with Max to take down this tree... My parents had just planted the relatively large sapling in the rock bed we had in the backyard of our old house. She saw the methods used to get the tree into the ground and worked on uprooting it. Max had an oral fixation with wood (get your mind out of the gutter...) and chewed/pulled the poor tree (as well as our deck). A moment later, we looked out the window and saw the two puppies running with this tree. One mouth on each side just playing tug of war and having a grand time. It's hard not to be mad at something so...Hilarious? Is that the right word? Perhaps, clever...
Needless to say, we replaced the tree with another, older Linden tree.

These kinds of shenanigans also happened to various homemade sausage logs (back when my dad... like many dads... was obsessed with his smoker), clothes, books, pet beds, toys, and, again, whatever material possessions. I knew my Syd was the mastermind... I raised her and it seems "miss smarty-pants attitude" rubbed off during the bonding process. 

I graduated high school in 2007. We left the dogs outside because of celebrations and didn't want to come home to accidents. The following morning, the doorbell rang... animal control was on the other end and had warned us that our neighbour(s) had complained the dogs were barking. We explained our situation, animal control gave us resources and took our side. Needless to say, my temper got the best of me and I gave those neighbours a piece of my mind... For anyone who has an issue with dogs barking... talk to the problem first before hiding behind law enforcement... Be an adult...

We lost Coco October 2nd, 2008. This was the first time had ever been exposed to euthanasia in animals but it was my mum's dog and we had the other two still at home. It didn't feel so empty... There was emptiness there but it wasn't like coming home to an empty house. Coco has a special place in my heart and I feel like I'm not doing her justice by devoting only a paragraph to her but she's a different story. One day she'll get her own tribute.

Down to 2.

One of Sydney's favourite things to do was go "Bye-bye". She was the first one in the car... I took her with me (alternated with my rabbit) to the University sometimes just because she was my companion and it was nice stress relief for the other students. We even made it into an issue of the Boulder Daily Camera sitting outside the campus stairs. Having her in the car was a joy. Could just take her anywhere and yak away about the day. She was such a great ear to vent to and very aware of the surroundings. 

One car trip to Boulder, we were waiting at the light on Table Mesa road and there was a motorcyclist behind us. The noise or the masked face of the rider made Syd so angry. She growled, snarled, and barked the loudest I had ever heard her bark. Quite frankly, I was scared. Syd never did that to any of the motorcyclists in our neighborhood... hmm. 

In my last semester of undergrad, my box turtle and best friend, Bindie Sue, passed away traumatically (September 23rd, 2011). I was a nightmare. Skipped classes, didn't shower for days on end and couldn't sleep in my own room. Sydney was my saving grace throughout that ordeal. She was so scared of that turtle... She slept on the bed with me, which she usually didn't do (her fur made her hot quickly and she was independent with which to begin)... licked the tears off my face and was the perfect cuddle buddy.

October 19th, 2012. Max passed away. He was a genetic mosaic of every textbook problem. Don't get me wrong, I loved that boy to death but he was always at the vets office. The people we got him from named him "Cash" and, sure as hell, he cost us a lot of cash... Nevertheless he was such a beautiful soul and a funny little beagle. I loved how he would cuddle up with you on the couch and had no consideration for personal space. He was 8 years old when we had to have him euthanized. Max had a stroke from which he never recovered.

At least we still had Syd and the foster kittens...

We made the best for her as best we could. Spoiled her to death with Goodtimes pawbenders, lots of "bye-byes"/walks, and toys out the wazoo. Tried taking her with me to the doggy day care where I worked. She didn't much enjoy other dogs' company. Very velcro. Very bossy. Very human-oriented. My brother used to tease her by opening my bedroom door rapidly and singing a part of "Wonderlust King" by Gogol Bordello obnoxiously... She got so upset by that.

September 21st, 2013... This is the hardest and darkest part of my life that I don't really want to delve into. Those who know me, know what this day signifies and Syd was there with me when it all was happening. I looked into her eyes as I had one toe in the grave and realized she was the reason why I stuck around on this planet. Depression is something that I face every odd year... It's seasonal but it's probably not going to go away anytime soon. I believe in riding out the storm, giving up thoughts sometimes, using it as a creative outlet, but never in imbibing prescription anti-depressants.

October 2nd, 2015. I took Syd for a drive with me after an unnerving night's sleep. There were so many thoughts flooding through my mind. Mentally needed clarity, so we went up to the mountains. She was so beautiful just sitting in the seat next to me, looking out the window and at me while I was talking to her. Syd knew me better than I knew myself. I felt at peace with her. I apologized to her for being kind of out of it and not being a present animal mother. We listened to Bastille's Bad Blood album in its entirety and switched to Vance Joy. It was beautiful seeing the changing leaves and having ice cream together up in Nederland. Dorothy and Toto. I had a ZZ Ward concert that night so needed to get home and prep for that.

October 3rd, 2015 is a day I will never forget. Sydney was not herself. So lethargic, belabored breathing and her abdomen seemed not quite right to me. She didn't eat at all and didn't even react to when we asked her if she wanted to go "Bye-Bye" or when I put cheese (Her fave) right in front. Called the vet, got there by 11:05am. She couldn't walk much. [I got scared because in February, while I was visiting my grandma, Syd collapsed and was struggling. She had pericardial fluid build up in her heart. That was drained. Syd was okay after that but according to the paperwork it was indicative of cancer.] Her abdomen had masses in there that ruptured. Syd's body was filling up with fluid.

Intuitively, I knew this was the beginning of the end and sure enough... It was. My life crashed at 12:47pm with her euthanasia. My brother and best friend were there with me. I called my best friend because, in March, I had to euthanize her dog so I thought she could probably use the closure with Sydney. So glad to have these two beautiful souls with me.

Now we're at no dogs but a rabbit and a cat, both were raised by Sydney. They were the three amigos. Chai, my cat, is very lost just like me. I'm not sure how Winchester is processing this all. We're in the phantom stage where it still feels as though her presence is in the house but it's not. That duality is what is leading me to emotional breakdowns and thoughts I haven't had in such a long time. The other half of my soul is gone. She wasn't just my dog, she was the best friend I needed for this leg of the life tour... She raised me when I thought I was raising her. She taught me to love unconditionally. To nurture that child within and the maternal nature towards all living beings. It's hard to culminate the memories at the moment as this is so raw. Not sure how many parts there will be but just needed to scribe the bare bones. What's so strange about all of this is Gwen Stefani was my hero throughout high school and Syd died on her birthday...

So thankful for the support of friends and family. Really having a hard time standing on my own two feet but you guys have been incredible.

almost 3 weeks into the new year

It has also been a year of renewal and trying new things.

*  I took a test on my Chakras and realized that my body is too closed. [I also now realize what my acting teachers were telling me when we did our exercises. I'm too analytical and focus too much rather than just living and doing. It's so weird, I can be myself around the familiar faces and even act out in the grocery store, mall, restaurant, etc. but when it comes time to actually perform a piece I don't go to the level i'm suppose to. Things feel coerced.]  I am trying Yoga to balance the chakras and doing tonics to help my body and mind relationship... we'll see how that goes :-)

*  Tried Modeling for the [actual] first time... Went with one of my best friends and it's a lot of fun. Again it's the analytical person inside of me that needs to be turned off. Was a bit frigid and, perhaps, it was the unfamiliarity of the terrain and meeting new people that made me freeze. The other thing I have observed about myself is that I need to be told what to do when it comes to the camera. Sometimes I have to have structure... That poses a problem because it's potential for blackmail and being used.

*  Going Vegan has been pretty hard. Especially going to restaurants- milk, honey, and eggs are in virtually everything... The main accomplishment has been reducing animal byproducts to at most a meal a day. Kryptonite being Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate... It's a dichotomy of the extremes- super sweet, super salty, creamy, and yet gritty. [Side note: I have been a vegetarian for almost 9 years.] oh and the other being Mead/Honey wine... Holy crap that stuff is bloody brills!

*  Livestrong app for iphone has been the cornerstone for losing weight. Unfortunately, I haven't been too kind to my body... only less than 1000 calories per day... in conjunction with exercising fairly regularly. It would be so nice to learn how to love myself instead of hearing the ex-boyfriends' voices in my head telling me that i'm "not skinny enough" for them... It's becoming trite and in order to love someone I have to love myself first...

Mental abuse is something that is so hard to overcome, I have flaws- More moles than Busy Phillips, a bad back, asymmetrical face, small boobs, big butt, hourglass figure, i'm loud/opinionated but by the same token also very shy, . When I was a child I had really ugly teeth and got that fixed when I was in my junior year of high school. It was great to improve just a bit of confidence. I also developed a nasty habit of cutting myself which only added fuel to the fire. I think as much as my mum doesn't believe it, I do think I have/had an eating disorder. [damn it feels great to get this all out of my body, step 1 out of 12 :-)]

*  Practicing with healing crystals and trying a variety of new age practices and responding with the environment. We are the makers of our lives and it would be great to be positive and live a fairy tale life. These things are possible... We are a product of the earth and we communicate with the earth. There are many different ways to do so whether praying, chanting, etc. This has been my form of taking parts of the earth and enveloping into my body.

In a few weeks time I will find out about grad school... I applied to the Miami University in conjunction with the local zoo here and I'm seriously hoping that I can do this! Zoology, animal behavior, and conservation biology are my main passions in life! I love animals more than anything in the world! I would bend over backwards for any animal in harm's way! It's something I've wanted to do since I was 5 years old (well that and a farmer... lol)

*  Found out where the love of my life is going to be in July-August and have decided to go out and see him swim again... He retired and has decided to come back which is absolutely the highlight of my 15 years of loving him since I saw him in the 1998 commonwealth games on TV... I can only hope that I get to meet him. Aside from trying this new age stuff for personal growth, I have donated my time and money to the zoo and animal shelter to accrue good karma. Doing good things for people so I can have a good thing happen to me. It may seem beyond bizarre but it's a theory I'm willing to try, Lord willing.

Anyway that's just been in 3 weeks... to be continued....

Cheers,
CK

2013

This year has been quite a whirlwind of emotions. Since September of 2012, Personal issues have been like ocean waves, hitting a beautiful high and then crashing into rocks, obliterating anything only to recede and start all over again:

End of July- August- Drove with Mum and Bro from Denver to Seattle, stopping through Yellowstone and then back to Denver. Drove home on my birthday. Wasn't really acknowledged nor celebrated. boo.

September- I ended up going on a beautiful trip to my ancestor's homeland, Ukraine (with stops to the Netherlands and Belgium). It was inspiring to see Kiev and then the memorial/grave of one of the greatest Ukraine writers and poets, Taras Shevchenko. Meeting and speaking with the locals was soul-enriching and being able to speak in the true native tongue did not keep a dry eye with anyone we came into contact. I enjoyed catching up with one of my mum's friend in Amsterdam, someone who held me when I was a youngster. We stopped into Bruges. That place was absolutely amazing. Seeing Mr. Fidel in the windowsill overlooking the canal was definitely a highlight (pic Above). The chocolates, food, wine, atmosphere in Europe is something I cannot define. It's pretentious, but by the same token, definitely not. Everything is within walking distance or a train trip. Feel like a "holiday", why not go to another country? Don't mind if I do?!

October- Had to euthanize our 8.5 year old Beagle, Max, poor bugger wasn't doing well. At the end of the month, found out my Nan has advanced Neuroendocrine cancer. It's just been shite.
November- Slipped Disc (6 weeks of therapy)
December- found out I have a ruptured Ovarian Cyst and a bicornuate uterus. It put things into perspective, I never really wanted to have children, there were moments I wanted a ton and then none. Having the chances of conceiving reduced to practically nil is pretty earth-shattering. The privilege being taken away just leaves nothing more than a cynic. How can people who eat Mickey D's every bloody day, every meal of the day, conceive multiple children but someone who does not abuse their temple can't? The dichotomy of this world... I swear. Oh and we won't go into the whole being-given-empty-promises-and-then-losing-your-job-because-place-is-doing-bad-financially.

We went to our fave French Restaurant in downtown Denver for New Year's Eve and had a wonderful meal: Eggplant wellington with sweet potato ragout and raspberry-espresso sauce, poached pear and goat cheese salad, followed by chocolate, almond, caramel, coffee dessert. The europeans make brill desserts, don't know how to explain it. Nevertheless, stuffed to the brim and only to receive a rude awakening. We paid our bloody $10 for parking and the person saw us put in our money but we got a ticket. Word to the wise- do NOT park in the lot next to Le Central. Bunch of cons if you ask me.

So far 2013 is shaping up to be quite a year. I can only hope that the storm can settle and that I can fight for what I want in this life. I wish nothing but the best for you all :)

New Year's resolution:

Going Vegan
Meeting the love of my life in Spain
Losing the 15 I put on during the holidays

Redeeming Thoughts

Why I am confident in myself!

Lately things have been going fairly well! I'm actually content (for the first time in my 20 years of existence) with who i am as a person! After continuously being put down by my fellow peers and what-not, I've gained a thick skin. I could really care less of what anyone's opinion is of me, negatively. (However, if it's constructive criticism i would really appreciate to hear all of it). It's just wonderful to know that the phrase "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" resonates to me in this day and age. It's funny how people's ethnicities, orientation, physique, and intelligence often are the content of the negative comments. They observed you. That's a positive thing in of itself the fact that someone took the time to look at you and conjure up some remark. If you didn't mean anything to that person, positively or negatively, then why would they take the time out of their life to waste energy thinking and talking to you? I suppose that's the wonder of it all.

Anyway, the point is that i think everyone should be proud of who they are, if people have to say things, let them. There's no harm in hearing what people have to say, just DON'T give them the fuel to continue. Just laugh, even if you feel like crying on the inside. NEVER let the enemy win, just laugh in their face when they say something to you. It's the advice i've lived by and my happiness is a success to this advice. I really hope that any child going through a rough patch or any teenager who is dealing with insecurities takes this to heart, and ACTUALLY applies it. It's easier said than done, i understand. However, take it one step at a time. Like, if someone says a rude comment about you, just laugh even though it kills you inside. Just do it. Confuse the enemy. Second step, Don't think about the comment, it will ruin you in the end as you'll keep thinking about what you could have said, or should have done. DON'T. Third, smile as if there's no tomorrow. Do things you love to do such as paint, listen to music, create fashion, get into a sport, etc. It will ease your mind. Just go with the flow!

Moral of the blog: NEVER EVER listen to people unless it helps you! People are Cruel, yadda yadda yadda.

Hope this helps!

Peace and Love