These last few days have been tormenting. I'm stuck in a self-imposed situation. Don't get me wrong, I have a beautiful life. In a master's program that feels impactful and I have a permanent job with birds in an institution I've devoted 3 years trying to get to this point. So... You may ask why things have been tortuous?
Let me explain...
My personal life...
I found out a few things about a particular person and it's gnawing at me because I can't find myself to confront this particular issue. It seems like a ridiculous reasoning to torture myself over someone else's ordeal but it also pertains to the nature of our being. As much as being the lent ear is a priority in my friendships, it's also something that can curse this brain I reside. This post is meant to be fairly ambiguous but it'll give you a glimmer of what it's like to care so darn much.
It's contributed a lot to my anxiety. In theory, it'd be great to tackle this head on like the strong person I thought I was but at what cost? Do I jeopardize the friendship? Am I reading too much into this? What if it's a big misunderstanding? The big unknowns...
It's inadvertantly jeopardizing all my other relationships as I've been fixating on this one problem and not being present. I can't focus on my readings because one word makes me think about this person and it all trains on from there. This really seems like a diary of a mad woman. It's crazy and ridiculous but it's human... I think, in the grand scheme of things, that's one thing I've been forgetting is that- it's human to feel. Feeling is that self-imposed situation. (Aside from the anxiety, it's been impatience, impulsivity, resentment, anger, irrationality, sleeplessness, and fear in the pit of my stomach... essentially insanity)
All of the closest friends I have divulged the situation to have told me to stick it out. 'If you love someone you work through this kind of nonsense'. The flipside- my parents have told me to remove myself out of the picture and move on. I can't really "let go"... but rather, immerse myself in "mind-alteration" such as work, school, and travel. The complication ensues...
Last night was the cherry on top. Drank a bit more than usual just to get out of my head. Instead my nerves got the best of me. Without going into too much detail, some of it I regret. I should have just stayed home and listened to some old-school mixed tapes I made in my youth or watched an episode of Home and Away and called it a day.
I just really don't know what to do...
