There is always something there to remind me...

It's funny how you find lingering remnants of a love once was... Last week, I was cleaning out my jewelry drawer and stumbled upon a mixed CD and a ring He gave me. I decided to sell the ring (it's sold, have to ship it out today), and I'm still working on the mixed cd's disposal... Been spring cleaning quite a bit lately, at work, at home, in the car. It's getting better. 

A beautiful soul and I had a discussion at this concert about how when you love someone you let them go... It's a hardship but so true... You want what's best for that person and to self-actualize and realize it may not be you, is a release... To be angry with any person who has done you wrong is natural but to obsess over it, isn't healthy. Am I angry that He (my ex) cheated, not once but twice? Um... Yeah. But I think what I was most angry about is the fact I changed myself whilst with him... He was someone who was self-indulgent and I put myself on the backburner to promote his wellbeing while suppressing my own. When I applied for grad school, he was pseudo-supportive... I'm not sure because our communication skills were dying at that point since I had no trust left in him. He surprised me on the first day of classes by coming to my campus with flowers when I went out to New York in August of 2014. Then in November, we faded to oblivion... Which is why this conversation with this beautiful soul and the dispersal of remnants meant so much and hit at the right time. I fervently believe that everything happens for a reason. Signs and that things are either right or wrong... This positivity felt right considering everything that cycled before Christmas Eve. 

The other thing I'm working on is opening up... My lungs, heart, soul, and hair are being spring cleaned, improving on interpersonal relationships and not letting the past dictate the future.

Don't let the past dictate the future... Use the past as a learning tool, not a mechanism heading into the future. You can't heal that way... I got rid of my excess, you can get rid of yours... 

(Wo)man proposes; God Disposes- the Antithesis and Catalyst.

Just laying on the couch, running a fever and running a mind. My equilibrium is off- dizzy with an infection in the left ear. Figured I'd just compile a short poem (they started as tweets) about this relationship I had in 2014. We met in April, month 4. Lasted 7 months. This is the basis of the poem's structure. It doesn't rhyme, in retrospect, we didn't either. 

Enzymatic love

Toxic from the get-go 

The first link catalyzed was me 

Dissolving us back to two 

Incendiary and passionate... 

Now, moot. 

It's just a chemical reaction 

Yours, mine, ours. 

It happened for a reason 

For that same reason 

Incinerated itself into oblivion. 

You were beautiful

Like neon lights in the city's introspective exhaustion. 

My personal drug. 

Every ounce exuding an ethereal glow. 

While you're lighting up another world... 

There's ash here in these ruins

Like Pompeii, 

Pervading every pore of interpersonal relationships

The basis

Defined by you

Leaving me. 

You'll find out soon enough that the invitation was burned like Icarus. 

Cleaning the soul

Today was full of creativity and inspiration. "I could feel it in my bones, I think today's the day..." (Crash kings, come away). Decided to take the plunge and appease the child within and play with her... Made two different types of soap with the help of Pinterest. One is a grapefruit (super pink...) and rum (purple..,) topped with glitter. That was the 5 year old self. The older side of me made a coffee scented scrub soap with vanilla and brown sugar. All vegan. All natural with Shea butter, Coconut oil, and cocoa butter. 

Recipe for grapefruit rum sugar soap.

12 oz. granulated sugar

4 oz. coconut oil, melted

1 oz. Cocoa butter, melted

6 oz. Shea butter soap base, tempered

Couple drops grapefruit extract

Couple drops rum extract

Couple drops food coloring

Mix together first 3. Divide base in half. Apply rum to one and food coloring of your choice. Put in the drops of grapefruit and food coloring of choice. Mix each thoroughly. Tip into a lined sheet and form a rectangle with the two meeting in the middle. Sprinkle glitter or extra sugar on top while still wet. Let dry. 

Coffee soap

6 oz. coffee, freshly ground.

1 lb. Shea butter soap base, tempered

2 oz. cocoa butter, melted

1/4 tsp. Vanilla extract

Handful of brown sugar for top

Handful of coffee beans whole for top

Combine first four and pour into a wax lined rectangular dish. Sprinkle a handful of brown sugar and coffee beans on top, pressing into wet mix. 

Mosaic birds- Stepping stones

So this post is meant to complement a previous post- Proof is in the pudding. These are just some visible examples of improvement and motivation.

Copper in Matrix. This spoke to me- beauty shining through the ugliness of what was. Nederland Colorado 2016.

Working on self confidence and making mental health progress.

New friend. Hendrix.

Had always wanted to see Niagara Falls in Winter. Crossed this off my bucket list.

Cowboy Cliche. Spaghetti Western Sunrises are breathtaking. I tend to think about my mere existence on the way to work every morning simply by seeing these interwoven colours.

30 Seconds to Mars... Where to start with this band... Self-introspection, constant exploration of this thing called life. Lyrics and melodies are breathtaking.

So this bird is my rock. A few weeks ago, I experienced sharp shooting pain. Started fading in and out and collapsed on the floor. She went to the floor on the other side of her enclosure and started alarm calling. I'm forever touched by her presence.

Orange and black pepper French toast

Culinary explorations has always been a passion. I'd make a pretty good wife one day, spoiling hubby with treats my grandparents and parents have taught me. #foodie

French toast is one of my faves. Had to jazz it up a tad. 

2 eggs

1.5 cups milk or cream

1 tbsp maple syrup

1 tsp vanilla extract (I use bourbon vanilla)

1/2 tsp orange peel

Tiny sprinkling of Himalayan pink salt

1/8 tsp freshly ground black pepper 

A whole loaf of Texas toast

2 tbsp butter for frying

Whisk together first 7 ingredients. Heat up griddle and melt butter. Dip bread lightly in mixture and fry two by two until golden brown on each side. Serve with more maple syrup, fruit, powdered sugar, extra butter, whatever tickles your fancy. I just used some extra butter and maple syrup.

Wish you were here...Here I go again on my own...

There's bits of stale yoghurt-covered raisins in my molars. I'm sitting in a silent room filled with voices preoccupied in their own heads. Another semester is brewing in a familiar place, different season, and less familiar faces. It's always going to feel like home away from home but there's a different ambience. This time round I don't get to come home to a blue-Merled soul-mate. Instead, this is an extension of what I've built because of her. See, if it weren't for her I wouldn't push myself off the deep ends. (Example- going on a research trip to Japan, with people I hardly knew) Meaning, new situations and experience wouldn't arise, because, I'd still be stuck in my bed, not wishing to move or hope for some warmth...as much as i'm digging my heels into this new trudging process. 

This trip in particular has been healing. I'm opening up about September-December 24, 2015, AKA The Fall... Realizing that shutting people out has not been productive. Truth be told, we all have things to deal with and I just didn't want anyone opening my burgeoning closet. Well it's spring semester (even though it's still winter) so therefore, let's start spring cleaning early. Air out the problems and donate those burdens to the cold hearted rich... Sweet Charity... 

One thing that was the cherry on top to the previous section of "Wish you were here" was my ex... We met initially in 2009 and then really fired up in 2014. I was getting over my childhood dream and this guy swooped in with his dark features. Just my dream guy- tattooed, muscular, perfect teeth, soulful eyes... Damn... Just thinking about him makes me melt over again... Anyway we were like a straw fire, quick to start, quick to burn out. We were equally enveloped in each other and had the intention of getting married. This was the first time I was actually serious about someone. He pushed me out of my comfort zone, I wanted to live a full rich life because of him. I met so many incredible people and thought my dreams were finally coming true without really expecting any of it. We pictured our lives in various countries just laying on the beach, hiking, exploring ruins only to be ruined... By a blonder, older, hyper-sexualized version of me times TWO. There were two "bimbos" (I hate degrading fellow women like this, but it hurts and there aren't any other tactful phrases). First one was an ex of his and second was this newcomer but she swept him off his feet and I ended up dumped. That cheap trick gets a diamond on her ring finger in the destination he and I intended, and I get self-awareness lessons! I was sent an invitation to his wedding the day before Christmas Eve. This made it all the more real and, needless to say, it was another twist in the heart. 

Random thought: (Learning to live again has been an interesting experience to say the least. My rubber band of a body stretched into work and school and everything instead of focusing on each of the matters at hand. On this trip I faced head on my self-introspective nature. Wrote another ten poems to make it officially 1000 poems under my belt. I've been in pain since Christmas and, yay it's not an ulcer but something a bit more sinister in my left abdominal region, I have no appetite... Nevertheless, it allowed me to get back into my body and realize my mortality. Also, I sit too much in my own head and over analyze every damn issue. Being swallowed whole is something I never want to do again. Why do I take things personally? If anyone has any thoughts please bring them up in comments! Totally game to some solutions. I'm already running every morning, doing yoga, and dancing even though my body also running on E. It's a body/mind disconnect.)

It was too painful to write about him... Even more so that I found another dark headed guy and he dumped me via text message. I've never been interested in blonde men (except for Billy Idol lol) but so far this is strike two... Bastille and airborne toxic event will never have the same meaning to me... Instead it'll be an indifferent sigh rather than listening to the lyrics. This should really be the least of concerns... There's not going to be a part three but just thought the first seemingly real love should well round this breakdown.

The proof is in the pudding

I've been thinking long about this biannual seasonal depression and how much it's eaten at me. I'm fearing a lot more things than I usually do but yet feeling like an empty shell of a person. Been trying to deflect everything and hide my true feelings by joking around- creating smartarse captions to every single little thing. It's funny because it parallels what birds do- when they're sick or injured, they fluff up their feathers and make it look like nothing's wrong simply to avoid predation. 

I originally intended to post on social media how I was to combat this and 2016 was to be my year. You know the cliche "new year, new me" bs... Nup, it's going a different route. I'm going to prove that I'm actually going to combat this. The logistics haven't been worked out yet but life is always a work in progress. The motivation was taken from politics... Weird right? But I look at the American population and how they gripe about the political system in place without actually taking a stand. Voting is merely not enough. Sometimes being radical and proactive is what is necessary to make actual change. I'm starting not to believe in simple words but rather actions. 

Not to compare my own country but anytime something is not right, Australians throw out their government and start again. Well at least they did when I was living there. Not sure what US emulation strategy is now... Bfd... They point is I'm throwing out my old attitude and rebuilding and saving that inner child and no more fluffing...