Starting to overthink the future.

Was having a bit of a weird day. It's Easter weekend and so my family and I went to see My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 and ate Greek food afterwards. The movie hit a soft spot. I feel as though I'm not good enough to be in a relationship or have nothing to offer another person. That having a best friend and lover is just not in my cards. It was just a moment of weakness. Plus, lately I've just been putting myself in situations of feeling used as an endgame... Also, I see my parents' love of 30+ years and my brother and his girl of ~2 years... It's hard to believe that it could ever happen to me... 

My inner monologue goes something like this- I really want to give my all to someone. Have wonderful weekend nights out with that someone and then coming home together, honoring each other's needs. Realizing that despite our busy schedules throughout the week, we make time for each other. I want to cook every night for him and watch movies together on the couch, snuggled up in sweats. Tickle fights and back rubs. Providing our own dialogue to movies being the smart arsed people we are. Something so beautiful and simple. Surprising each other by listening to our deepest desires and acting upon it, provided the timing is right. Supporting and loving one another no matter what. Giving each other space and living our own lives but still coming home to each other. Being that fiercely loyal lion. Not giving up when it's hard, working at it and compromising. [God, I hate being single. Worst, I hate feeling sorry for myself like this. Plus am I just romanticizing love? Or deluded...]

Anyway, I suppose my guy friends best reap the rewards I'm giving. Simply just out of being nice and fulfilling some kind of nurturing need... Giving has always been easy for me. It's not a selfish, like looking for gratification, thing. I just enjoy doing things without expectations or reciprocation. 

Was thinking that maybe stress of this last year of university and working full-time is causing this anxiety about feeling as though relationships aren't in my future. I keep thinking I'll end up an old spinster with dogs and rabbits. End of 2016 into 2017 is the tentative plan of becoming emotionally available and open to any possibility. No expectations, just whatever happens, happens. But my priorities are school, work, and living life for me-healing from grief considering how many deaths I took personally last year. 

Sorry about the hard-to-follow text. Just needed to brain dump. It's stupid but it's cumbersome to feel this way... 

The car

*Lights fade in*

I want a guy who I can wake up next to, look him deep in the eyes and stroke his face with the hand exposed from our warm blankets. A soft good morning. Stretching and wrapping each other close. The stuff Hollywood movies find mandatory in hipster or cult classics. The quintessential romantic movie. 

*Next scene* 

Him getting ready for work. I'm wearing his old button up shirt, putting his tie on for him while he does some final finishes with his belt loops, kissing him ever so softly. Hand in hand we walk to the kitchen and I make him coffee and breakfast before he heads out the door.

*lights fade out for a brief moment in time, indicating a time lapse*

*We're in the car together*

I want a guy who can show me his childhood home, the streets on which he grew up and fields he played. I want to see him tremble for a moment and feel the anguish of reliving memories in time. The place he got his first kiss, first speeding ticket, and his first everything. Something that shows his humble beginnings and hug him for opening up. I want to visit his grandparents and hear the embarrassing stories from him, even if it's at their gravesite. Show him that everything he is, I accept and then some. 

The only thing I ask is that he hold me close, support me as I would him, and we stick it through thick and thin. That its okay to fall through the depressive cracks but he is my superhero and I, his. This is an egalitarian romanticized perception, but I dare to dream the possibilities.

*fade into a soft red glow in a heartbeat pattern*

There is always something there to remind me...

It's funny how you find lingering remnants of a love once was... Last week, I was cleaning out my jewelry drawer and stumbled upon a mixed CD and a ring He gave me. I decided to sell the ring (it's sold, have to ship it out today), and I'm still working on the mixed cd's disposal... Been spring cleaning quite a bit lately, at work, at home, in the car. It's getting better. 

A beautiful soul and I had a discussion at this concert about how when you love someone you let them go... It's a hardship but so true... You want what's best for that person and to self-actualize and realize it may not be you, is a release... To be angry with any person who has done you wrong is natural but to obsess over it, isn't healthy. Am I angry that He (my ex) cheated, not once but twice? Um... Yeah. But I think what I was most angry about is the fact I changed myself whilst with him... He was someone who was self-indulgent and I put myself on the backburner to promote his wellbeing while suppressing my own. When I applied for grad school, he was pseudo-supportive... I'm not sure because our communication skills were dying at that point since I had no trust left in him. He surprised me on the first day of classes by coming to my campus with flowers when I went out to New York in August of 2014. Then in November, we faded to oblivion... Which is why this conversation with this beautiful soul and the dispersal of remnants meant so much and hit at the right time. I fervently believe that everything happens for a reason. Signs and that things are either right or wrong... This positivity felt right considering everything that cycled before Christmas Eve. 

The other thing I'm working on is opening up... My lungs, heart, soul, and hair are being spring cleaned, improving on interpersonal relationships and not letting the past dictate the future.

Don't let the past dictate the future... Use the past as a learning tool, not a mechanism heading into the future. You can't heal that way... I got rid of my excess, you can get rid of yours... 

(Wo)man proposes; God Disposes- the Antithesis and Catalyst.

Just laying on the couch, running a fever and running a mind. My equilibrium is off- dizzy with an infection in the left ear. Figured I'd just compile a short poem (they started as tweets) about this relationship I had in 2014. We met in April, month 4. Lasted 7 months. This is the basis of the poem's structure. It doesn't rhyme, in retrospect, we didn't either. 

Enzymatic love

Toxic from the get-go 

The first link catalyzed was me 

Dissolving us back to two 

Incendiary and passionate... 

Now, moot. 

It's just a chemical reaction 

Yours, mine, ours. 

It happened for a reason 

For that same reason 

Incinerated itself into oblivion. 

You were beautiful

Like neon lights in the city's introspective exhaustion. 

My personal drug. 

Every ounce exuding an ethereal glow. 

While you're lighting up another world... 

There's ash here in these ruins

Like Pompeii, 

Pervading every pore of interpersonal relationships

The basis

Defined by you

Leaving me. 

You'll find out soon enough that the invitation was burned like Icarus. 

Cleaning the soul

Today was full of creativity and inspiration. "I could feel it in my bones, I think today's the day..." (Crash kings, come away). Decided to take the plunge and appease the child within and play with her... Made two different types of soap with the help of Pinterest. One is a grapefruit (super pink...) and rum (purple..,) topped with glitter. That was the 5 year old self. The older side of me made a coffee scented scrub soap with vanilla and brown sugar. All vegan. All natural with Shea butter, Coconut oil, and cocoa butter. 

Recipe for grapefruit rum sugar soap.

12 oz. granulated sugar

4 oz. coconut oil, melted

1 oz. Cocoa butter, melted

6 oz. Shea butter soap base, tempered

Couple drops grapefruit extract

Couple drops rum extract

Couple drops food coloring

Mix together first 3. Divide base in half. Apply rum to one and food coloring of your choice. Put in the drops of grapefruit and food coloring of choice. Mix each thoroughly. Tip into a lined sheet and form a rectangle with the two meeting in the middle. Sprinkle glitter or extra sugar on top while still wet. Let dry. 

Coffee soap

6 oz. coffee, freshly ground.

1 lb. Shea butter soap base, tempered

2 oz. cocoa butter, melted

1/4 tsp. Vanilla extract

Handful of brown sugar for top

Handful of coffee beans whole for top

Combine first four and pour into a wax lined rectangular dish. Sprinkle a handful of brown sugar and coffee beans on top, pressing into wet mix. 

Mosaic birds- Stepping stones

So this post is meant to complement a previous post- Proof is in the pudding. These are just some visible examples of improvement and motivation.

Copper in Matrix. This spoke to me- beauty shining through the ugliness of what was. Nederland Colorado 2016.

Working on self confidence and making mental health progress.

New friend. Hendrix.

Had always wanted to see Niagara Falls in Winter. Crossed this off my bucket list.

Cowboy Cliche. Spaghetti Western Sunrises are breathtaking. I tend to think about my mere existence on the way to work every morning simply by seeing these interwoven colours.

30 Seconds to Mars... Where to start with this band... Self-introspection, constant exploration of this thing called life. Lyrics and melodies are breathtaking.

So this bird is my rock. A few weeks ago, I experienced sharp shooting pain. Started fading in and out and collapsed on the floor. She went to the floor on the other side of her enclosure and started alarm calling. I'm forever touched by her presence.

Orange and black pepper French toast

Culinary explorations has always been a passion. I'd make a pretty good wife one day, spoiling hubby with treats my grandparents and parents have taught me. #foodie

French toast is one of my faves. Had to jazz it up a tad. 

2 eggs

1.5 cups milk or cream

1 tbsp maple syrup

1 tsp vanilla extract (I use bourbon vanilla)

1/2 tsp orange peel

Tiny sprinkling of Himalayan pink salt

1/8 tsp freshly ground black pepper 

A whole loaf of Texas toast

2 tbsp butter for frying

Whisk together first 7 ingredients. Heat up griddle and melt butter. Dip bread lightly in mixture and fry two by two until golden brown on each side. Serve with more maple syrup, fruit, powdered sugar, extra butter, whatever tickles your fancy. I just used some extra butter and maple syrup.