Wish you were here... (part one of infinite)

Title taken from the old Pink Floyd song. It was one of the first songs I heard when she passed and also one of the first songs that made me feel so alone. (I'm crying just writing this, so I apologize in advance for the words.)

I'm not sure what the songwriter was feeling at the time, but I know what that song means to me now... Loving and losing is the hardest battle. Sometimes I wish I was incapable of love and became this cold-hearted wretch. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depends on the circumstance) over-loving, over-thinking, and over-working are just part of my banal existence.

On Christmas Eve, I was driving to work, this song came on the radio after I dropped my dad off at the bus stop. I wasn't listening to Christmas music, to be frank, I just wasn't feeling the spirit this particular year. Completely and utterly lost it. Tears started to pervade every pore and pooled up just on the top of my cheeks.

I lost it. I lost this sensation to live. I want out so bad... Plus at the place I work there's a lot of hazards and so it wouldn't be that hard. Just think of when a game glitches and you're stuck only being able to jump up, but you get no where. You're unable to move forward, backwards, or to either side. I can only imagine what it feels to be a tightly wound message in a bottle, stuck floating in the ocean. This is how I feel, plateaued, restless, and not at peace. Regardless, I posted a photo on snapchat showing some stupid vulnerable side that was sort of a cry for help by the same token.

side note: My aussie grandmother that passed away this year was a very tough, strong woman. She certainly passed those genes onto me. Both a blessing and a curse. Showing vulnerability is not in my cards. It's not something I tend to do, despite being the most insecure and emotional "softie" internally. Such an internal power-struggle. I fight with myself every day, filtering out a lot of things especially toward friends. I want to fix my problems before anyone has the chance to know what happened. Also, very stubborn. Helping people is easy, helping yourself... not so.

Anyway, a beautiful soul reached out and I completely blew him off. I rattled some pretty hurtful things (of course, in retrospect) because there was still some pent up feelings towards this person that I don't want to delve into. Also, it's what I've been feeling since Riot Fest. You sort of start seeing your "friends" true colors and unsure of where you stand with people. A lot of unnecessary and unresolved drama happened. I should have seen red flags all over that plus all over my birthday and other situations. I'm keeping this part of my breakdown vague because there are multiple people involved. I should put my perspective out in the open and start the 2016 year on a different foot but, alas, no cigar.

I also lost a few individuals in my life this year:

1) My grandfather for all intents and purposes (see Catharsis in death)
2) My Aussie grandmother
3) My "grandfather"- when I first moved out here to the states, my neighbors were this elderly couple, she taught me piano and he was this wonderful beagle-loving human being. Such a kind soul.
4) ___________________________ this one I don't want to talk about. It's way too painful.
5) My beautiful Aussie Shepherd, Sydney
6) Gus- so heartbroken to this day.
7) Frankie
8) Perry- traumatic, happened on Christmas Eve that further spiraled me.
9) My bearded dragon, Nullah.
10+11) two juvenile penguins.

Going back to this conversation, this beautiful soul dished it back to me, he told me that people cared. It's still something I have a hard time believing, namely because every time I try to express my feelings or anything, it really feels like no one gives a shit or are so used to giving me advice. I'm so used to never being listened to. Actually being listened to, not talking back or giving judgments. I'm always shut down by family and friends, being told my feelings are irrational, wrong, or stupid.

This is, in part, why my dog was not "just a dog". I'd have these fits and she'd come up to me, rest her head on my right side (which is why I got the tattoo on my right side, in that place). I'd stroke her fur, cry into her shoulder, hug her close. Everything would just divulge profusely. At the end of it all, I'd know what the solution to the problem was, because I had vocalized the troubles. You just can't do that with people. All of it goes in one ear, out the next or little snippets end up gossiped about or judged.

Another facet to losing her was this sense of identity. At the age of 10.5, I was uprooted from Australia to come to the states for better familial opportunities. It was also the same year as the Olympic Games to which the love of my life was participating. I also had family out there which we would visit every 3 years (except 2009 + 2012). Getting Syd 4 years later was a sense of retaining that cultural identity. An Australian Shepherd with an Australian name. Maybe it was a crutch up until this point? I don't know, but losing her and losing my grandparents (the family we had out there), seems like an end of an era. It's a transition phase. My parents are selling my grandmother's house. They already sold their house down there. It's like the cords are being cut... I feel like my sense of home is lost. At the rate I feel with being in the states, it's not home. My dog was my home and wherever she was, that was home. Now it just feels like mere existence and not living.

Okay... bear with me... this is just one part and I'm triggered right now, so this is going to stop until I can get my bearings and trudge through the rest of this cathartic intention.

Christmas

Can't believe another year is slipping by like sand through your fingers at the beach. 

Must say, definitely not feeling the cheer. It's hard to say considering this is one of my favorite holidays and I'm usually pretty charitable this time of year, donating every year to my friend's fave charities on their behalf and whatnot. Something just doesn't feel right. I simply don't care. It'll be great when this holiday season is over. This negative attitude will hopefully dissipate. 

What makes this year different is the series of events that served as a precursor. Most of all I'm depressed I don't get to be with my dog. Going to Petsmart has been a chore- I see toys and her fave items with which I would have spoiled her. A couple of my friends have Aussie Shepherds and I see photos online and it just triggers my sadness and anger.

I'm angry at the fact that fate had to take away my best friend. It's been hurtful that everyone with whom I share Syd's story says "oh it's just a dog".... NO! She's more than a dog, she was my emotional support. I'm not the person I was prior to October 3rd. I don't have anyone to share my stories with, that actually care. There are thoughts from back in 2013 that are coming back. I hate living without her. It's so unfair. 

My sister in law and aunt are in town and I love them both dearly. But, I'm not in an emotionally stable place to enjoy anyone's company. My birds at work have alleviated any stress but what is being masked? Something isn't sitting right... 

Unsure... With a shot of extra strength.

I’m sitting here in the window seat of the exit row, infuriated because of the people sitting next to me talking about their life stories  (you know the loud ones that think they’re the only people in an airplane) and,  also,  that it’s the end of an interesting trip. These past few weeks have been interesting in general. I have done a lot of growing up but, more importantly, searched into that introspective being. She’s back and with a vengeance. Despite everything going on in life, I find a way to run away from it all, gain clarity and then come back with a better perspective. Unfortunately, this trip wasn’t exactly that. I feel, in part, that my brain -  which has been belaboring a particular situation right now- made me overthink and fall into solitude. There are so many beautiful souls in my life but one stabbed whatever half of my heart I have left. I have a hard time writing about people in my life just because staining character on a public domain isn’t exactly “adult”. It tells an inaccurate description of that person through the lense of anger and fear. Our own biases clout our judgement and others, of whom we tell, we influence. I’m growing ever so resentful of this person simply because of misunderstanding or overthinking of what the word “Intimidation” means. It’s not so much being resentful but rather having the final straw. This isn’t the first time I have been told this and, quite frankly, it won’t be the last… never the less, there’s a persistent sting. 

I hate being strong… There are times I wish I could crawl into a ball and cry and cry and cry with someone holding me whilst in this position. I just have a natural inclination to push people away, sort out whatever it is and then move on. Needless to say, this culmination of feelings is ruining me. It not only has to do with that personal friendship but a past relationship and multiple deaths/family health scares since September. Everything has snowballed and it’s breaking me. Woe is me, not the intention of this post but it would be nice to have someone telling me it’s all okay and to just hug it out. 

What does it mean when a person tells you that you’re fairly intimidating? 

This started a new train of thought that I can’t quite shake as far as insecurities. I was a bold and outspoken chick who called people out and did whatever she wanted without anyone telling her otherwise. Things changed and what’s terrifying is, I don’t know when or how. I sit around contemplating life and the people in my life and question their motivations and it sullies my whole day. Then it starts getting to the point where I get myself so anxious, worked up and it turns to a series of gag reflexes (probably shouldn’t be saying that, knowing the connotation) or, in extreme cases, vomit. I’ve been told by my doctors to calm down and relax but nothing seems to help. Self-medicating became a vice- alcohol and muscle relaxers. I’ve done a lot of things this summer and fall that I regret. I suppose it’s all part of the human experience. Been experiencing nightmares such as seeing my dead grandmother (see previous post for September) and waking up crying hysterically. It seems like a bad omen. There’s something in the air that’s not sitting quite right. 

It’s times like these where running up to the mountains with my dog would have been the therapy I needed. Gosh, she was a great dog. So understanding, beautiful, and the better half of my existence. I miss her so much and there are times (now, especially) where I wish I was wherever she is. Always keep one foot in the grave. She still hasn’t visited me in my dreams and, yet, she’s come to my brother and mum. As much as it was the right thing to do, I feel I did her wrong by ending her life so soon. She was in pain and I didn’t know how long she’d been like that. What’s done is done. 

Black Friday, also, has a negative impact on my life as 2 years ago my other Grandmother, Virginia, passed away from a rare neuroendocrine cancer. I loved her so much but resented her for occupying my mother’s time in her later years. So selfish on my behalf. I’ve been to so many fortune tellers, psychics, and hanging around other people and they always say there’s Virginia. They can sense her presence around me but I have a hard time believing she would be looking out for me. My wonderful “aunt” who is an astrological reader said that an Aquarian is my life coach/guardian angel, which is fitting considering Virginia’s an Aquarius.

I feel like the volcano in Iceland… bubbling up with pressure. Mostly self-imposed, some influenced by simple phrases, traditions, or words… Between these little thought blips. Work and school have been amazing get-aways but I can’t seem to focus because of these thoughts and constantly feeling like everything I do… is wrong. Everything always seems to be my fault simply because of lack of patience, lack of rest, lack of joy and lack of that passion that once was. Just been going through the motions and waiting for that chance to erupt. 

A new beginning.

I confronted the situation as vaguely described in my previous post. 

It wasn't easy but I got to talking with this person and decided to cut the proverbial cord. It wasn't an easy decision but ultimately the toxicity isn't worth it. I'm an independent woman with a strong ethical framework and thrive on adventure. 

Now I just have to send back all of the presents we gave each other and call it a day. It's hard when this person was an integral part of my life and someone with whom I impulsively wanted to spend my life and raise a family. 

The trip to Baltimore was an eyeopener. I got to spend time with my beautiful friend and her family. I met someone who changed my life forever and am so thankful for the belly full of laughs and the ability to express myself. We road tripped every day and went to Pennsylvania, Delaware, and Washington DC plus the wedding in Maryland. 

Good lord the jokes we shared... And how it continues through text message... It's like a machine gun... 

It's been beautiful to forget everything. It's also been great to gain courage to tackle the situation that gnawed at me and progress forward. I feel practically invincible and... Essentially... Myself! I haven't had a drink in a week and feel great. There's been no need to self-mutilate or self-destruct within this past week and be happy. 

Much love and peace to all. 

Personal lamentations.

I'm sitting in the airport waiting with a chocolate crossiant in one hand and a pumpkin smoothie nearby. Typing with one hand isn't easy but I'm starving and this chocolatey goodness just hits a comfort zone. 

These last few days have been tormenting. I'm stuck in a self-imposed situation. Don't get me wrong, I have a beautiful life. In a master's program that feels impactful and I have a permanent job with birds in an institution I've devoted 3 years trying to get to this point. So... You may ask why things have been tortuous? 

Let me explain...

My personal life... 

I found out a few things about a particular person and it's gnawing at me because I can't find myself to confront this particular issue. It seems like a ridiculous reasoning to torture myself over someone else's ordeal but it also pertains to the nature of our being. As much as being the lent ear is a priority in my friendships, it's also something that can curse this brain I reside. This post is meant to be fairly ambiguous but it'll give you a glimmer of what it's like to care so darn much. 

It's contributed a lot to my anxiety. In theory, it'd be great to tackle this head on like the strong person I thought I was but at what cost? Do I jeopardize the friendship? Am I reading too much into this? What if it's a big misunderstanding? The big unknowns... 

It's inadvertantly jeopardizing all my other relationships as I've been fixating on this one problem and not being present. I can't focus on my readings because one word makes me think about this person and it all trains on from there. This really seems like a diary of a mad woman. It's crazy and ridiculous but it's human... I think, in the grand scheme of things, that's one thing I've been forgetting is that- it's human to feel. Feeling is that self-imposed situation. (Aside from the anxiety, it's been impatience, impulsivity, resentment, anger, irrationality, sleeplessness, and fear in the pit of my stomach... essentially insanity)

All of the closest friends I have divulged the situation to have told me to stick it out. 'If you love someone you work through this kind of nonsense'. The flipside- my parents have told me to remove myself out of the picture and move on. I can't really "let go"... but rather, immerse myself in "mind-alteration" such as work, school, and travel. The complication ensues... 

Last night was the cherry on top. Drank a bit more than usual just to get out of my head. Instead my nerves got the best of me. Without going into too much detail, some of it I regret. I should have just stayed home and listened to some old-school mixed tapes I made in my youth or watched an episode of Home and Away and called it a day. 

I just really don't know what to do...

Part 2. Coping.

“Perhaps the whole root of our trouble, the human trouble, is that we will sacrifice all the beauty of our lives, will imprison ourselves in totems, taboos, crosses, blood sacrifices, steeples, mosques, races, armies, flags, nations, in order to deny the fact of death, the only fact we have.”- James Baldwin, The Fire Next Time, 1963

I had to include this quote.

The reason is because after Sydney passed, I found myself questioning death... It's hard being alone and having these moments where I know I should be taking her for a walk or hugging her soft fur but she's not around. Having those "Oh yeah, that's right, she's gone" kind of moments are hard.

I chose to get a tattoo to commemorate her on October 14th, 2015. Initially wanted to get it on the 13th but the artist wasn't working. The reasoning being that it was Ian Thorpe's birthday and he had been a pivotal role model in my life. I was 14 years old when I got my dog and my crush was Ian (it has been since I was 8 years old and up to age 25). Always had envisioned this plan that he would be my husband and would have my dog as a ring bearer at my wedding... It was an homage to this transition of a point in my life to where we are now...

She was/will always be essentially my totem animal (see part 1). This is why this quote, I think, hit me hard. I became so used to having her around and took advantage of her presence. Death is always around. It can be in the next couple of hours or a few years from now. That phraseology that "Live every day as though it were your last" (Carpe Diem, YOLO, etc.) really resonates with me now. I took advantage of her presence when I tried to confront my own mortality head on and I, certainly, took advantage of her in a period of time when I had my head stuck up somewhere. No blames to the boys in my past... (note the sarcasm in that last sentence). In all honesty, these are my regrets for not spending enough time with her, talking to her, rough-housing, and playing with her. 

(Side Note/randomness:) Why is it that certain cliches really work? There must be an element of truth in it for it to withstand the test of time. I find it interesting that death, really, is the absolute truth. Our troubles are certainly internalized, self-imposed, and anthropocentric dilemmas which are so trivial in the grand scheme of things.

Aside from her death, which I made that horrible, logical decision, there's a couple of other things that have been re-evaluated in my life. It's just been a coping mechanism to try and get over the mess that is my hyperactive brain. Just been thinking too much about her and this other situation going on in my life. I recently got an amazing opportunity at a place I feel at home and I'm going to grad school full-time. The only thing that is missing is my "furbaby"... She was the sole purpose for my going on and pursuing life. It just reminded me of 2011 (midway through my last semester as an undergrad), I lost my box turtle Bindie Sue. She was my "transition" puzzle piece from moving to the States in 2000 to 2011. Again, another angel that listened as I wailed on about life. This blog piece doesn't do her justice and, maybe, I'll write about her some day.

Essentially the last half of my childhood has faded.

I'm not really sure where this post intended on going really other than give snapshots of longevity and commitment but also some solace in the torment that it's not really longevity when the sands of time fade out in each and every one of us.

The other half of my soul is gone (Part 1)

I had never wanted to get an Australian Shepherd because I thought it was cruel their tails were docked. One Valentine's day (2003) I got this little card from my best friend with a blue merle aussie on it and just thought it was the most precious dog on the face of this planet. As a 14 year old girl, it was all impulsivity and the cute things in life that were part of coping with the ridiculous hormonal changes that happen. SOLD!

Never became obsolete. As it always does...

I consulted my parents to get a dog (albeit naively... anyone with an aussie understands) and the classified section of the newspaper religiously to find a blue merle puppy within a decent price range ($300). Finally found a lady in Salida who had a litter born January 18th, 2004. Because of the distance we decided to compromise and find a destination midway- less stress on all fronts. It was Good Friday 2004, when my family and I went up to the Thornton or Brighton Fairgrounds (some kind of dog show... my memory gets a bit hazy here) and met this mottled furball with green and gold marbles for eyes and one black- socked paw. The lady appropriately named this dainty legged pup- Tenderfoot.

Something cosmic happened... I can't exactly explain what/how but just think of when Harry Potter gets matched with his wand.. (corny, I know, but it's the example that came to mind)... Nevertheless, All felt right with the world... 

Sydney Truganini Adelaide Bugir. 

We already had a chow chow named Coco, who we brought with us when we came to the States from Australia. She was my mother's dog and I was so adamant about having my own velcro dog. We introduced Sydney to Coco, much to the matron dog's dismay... It was clear who was alpha-bitch. 

I had my own companion. 

That night, I took her for a walk so she could clear her little bladder and we went to sleep. She peed on the carpet and I started having regrets as I was cleaning (think postpartum depression kind of regrets). BUT, I was in this for life. Her life was in my hands. Couldn't wait to see her capabilities and what essentially I was getting into...She was so smart and picked up sitting straight away. On Easter Sunday, we got a Beagle named Max and that was my brother's dog. Syd and Max were instantly the best of friends. In retrospect, he probably thought more of the world of her and she was just so ADD.. took after me, in that sense... 

Those two were a comedic duo and definitely worked in concertina destroying our material possessions... One story that comes to mind-

My dad had wanted a Linden tree. It's a Ukrainian thing. Linden trees can be used as tea for fevers and some other old wives' tale mythology I can't necessarily remember. Anyway, Syd formulated this plan with Max to take down this tree... My parents had just planted the relatively large sapling in the rock bed we had in the backyard of our old house. She saw the methods used to get the tree into the ground and worked on uprooting it. Max had an oral fixation with wood (get your mind out of the gutter...) and chewed/pulled the poor tree (as well as our deck). A moment later, we looked out the window and saw the two puppies running with this tree. One mouth on each side just playing tug of war and having a grand time. It's hard not to be mad at something so...Hilarious? Is that the right word? Perhaps, clever...
Needless to say, we replaced the tree with another, older Linden tree.

These kinds of shenanigans also happened to various homemade sausage logs (back when my dad... like many dads... was obsessed with his smoker), clothes, books, pet beds, toys, and, again, whatever material possessions. I knew my Syd was the mastermind... I raised her and it seems "miss smarty-pants attitude" rubbed off during the bonding process. 

I graduated high school in 2007. We left the dogs outside because of celebrations and didn't want to come home to accidents. The following morning, the doorbell rang... animal control was on the other end and had warned us that our neighbour(s) had complained the dogs were barking. We explained our situation, animal control gave us resources and took our side. Needless to say, my temper got the best of me and I gave those neighbours a piece of my mind... For anyone who has an issue with dogs barking... talk to the problem first before hiding behind law enforcement... Be an adult...

We lost Coco October 2nd, 2008. This was the first time had ever been exposed to euthanasia in animals but it was my mum's dog and we had the other two still at home. It didn't feel so empty... There was emptiness there but it wasn't like coming home to an empty house. Coco has a special place in my heart and I feel like I'm not doing her justice by devoting only a paragraph to her but she's a different story. One day she'll get her own tribute.

Down to 2.

One of Sydney's favourite things to do was go "Bye-bye". She was the first one in the car... I took her with me (alternated with my rabbit) to the University sometimes just because she was my companion and it was nice stress relief for the other students. We even made it into an issue of the Boulder Daily Camera sitting outside the campus stairs. Having her in the car was a joy. Could just take her anywhere and yak away about the day. She was such a great ear to vent to and very aware of the surroundings. 

One car trip to Boulder, we were waiting at the light on Table Mesa road and there was a motorcyclist behind us. The noise or the masked face of the rider made Syd so angry. She growled, snarled, and barked the loudest I had ever heard her bark. Quite frankly, I was scared. Syd never did that to any of the motorcyclists in our neighborhood... hmm. 

In my last semester of undergrad, my box turtle and best friend, Bindie Sue, passed away traumatically (September 23rd, 2011). I was a nightmare. Skipped classes, didn't shower for days on end and couldn't sleep in my own room. Sydney was my saving grace throughout that ordeal. She was so scared of that turtle... She slept on the bed with me, which she usually didn't do (her fur made her hot quickly and she was independent with which to begin)... licked the tears off my face and was the perfect cuddle buddy.

October 19th, 2012. Max passed away. He was a genetic mosaic of every textbook problem. Don't get me wrong, I loved that boy to death but he was always at the vets office. The people we got him from named him "Cash" and, sure as hell, he cost us a lot of cash... Nevertheless he was such a beautiful soul and a funny little beagle. I loved how he would cuddle up with you on the couch and had no consideration for personal space. He was 8 years old when we had to have him euthanized. Max had a stroke from which he never recovered.

At least we still had Syd and the foster kittens...

We made the best for her as best we could. Spoiled her to death with Goodtimes pawbenders, lots of "bye-byes"/walks, and toys out the wazoo. Tried taking her with me to the doggy day care where I worked. She didn't much enjoy other dogs' company. Very velcro. Very bossy. Very human-oriented. My brother used to tease her by opening my bedroom door rapidly and singing a part of "Wonderlust King" by Gogol Bordello obnoxiously... She got so upset by that.

September 21st, 2013... This is the hardest and darkest part of my life that I don't really want to delve into. Those who know me, know what this day signifies and Syd was there with me when it all was happening. I looked into her eyes as I had one toe in the grave and realized she was the reason why I stuck around on this planet. Depression is something that I face every odd year... It's seasonal but it's probably not going to go away anytime soon. I believe in riding out the storm, giving up thoughts sometimes, using it as a creative outlet, but never in imbibing prescription anti-depressants.

October 2nd, 2015. I took Syd for a drive with me after an unnerving night's sleep. There were so many thoughts flooding through my mind. Mentally needed clarity, so we went up to the mountains. She was so beautiful just sitting in the seat next to me, looking out the window and at me while I was talking to her. Syd knew me better than I knew myself. I felt at peace with her. I apologized to her for being kind of out of it and not being a present animal mother. We listened to Bastille's Bad Blood album in its entirety and switched to Vance Joy. It was beautiful seeing the changing leaves and having ice cream together up in Nederland. Dorothy and Toto. I had a ZZ Ward concert that night so needed to get home and prep for that.

October 3rd, 2015 is a day I will never forget. Sydney was not herself. So lethargic, belabored breathing and her abdomen seemed not quite right to me. She didn't eat at all and didn't even react to when we asked her if she wanted to go "Bye-Bye" or when I put cheese (Her fave) right in front. Called the vet, got there by 11:05am. She couldn't walk much. [I got scared because in February, while I was visiting my grandma, Syd collapsed and was struggling. She had pericardial fluid build up in her heart. That was drained. Syd was okay after that but according to the paperwork it was indicative of cancer.] Her abdomen had masses in there that ruptured. Syd's body was filling up with fluid.

Intuitively, I knew this was the beginning of the end and sure enough... It was. My life crashed at 12:47pm with her euthanasia. My brother and best friend were there with me. I called my best friend because, in March, I had to euthanize her dog so I thought she could probably use the closure with Sydney. So glad to have these two beautiful souls with me.

Now we're at no dogs but a rabbit and a cat, both were raised by Sydney. They were the three amigos. Chai, my cat, is very lost just like me. I'm not sure how Winchester is processing this all. We're in the phantom stage where it still feels as though her presence is in the house but it's not. That duality is what is leading me to emotional breakdowns and thoughts I haven't had in such a long time. The other half of my soul is gone. She wasn't just my dog, she was the best friend I needed for this leg of the life tour... She raised me when I thought I was raising her. She taught me to love unconditionally. To nurture that child within and the maternal nature towards all living beings. It's hard to culminate the memories at the moment as this is so raw. Not sure how many parts there will be but just needed to scribe the bare bones. What's so strange about all of this is Gwen Stefani was my hero throughout high school and Syd died on her birthday...

So thankful for the support of friends and family. Really having a hard time standing on my own two feet but you guys have been incredible.