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Friday, October 30, 2015

Part 2. Coping.

“Perhaps the whole root of our trouble, the human trouble, is that we will sacrifice all the beauty of our lives, will imprison ourselves in totems, taboos, crosses, blood sacrifices, steeples, mosques, races, armies, flags, nations, in order to deny the fact of death, the only fact we have.”- James Baldwin, The Fire Next Time, 1963

I had to include this quote.

The reason is because after Sydney passed, I found myself questioning death... It's hard being alone and having these moments where I know I should be taking her for a walk or hugging her soft fur but she's not around. Having those "Oh yeah, that's right, she's gone" kind of moments are hard.

I chose to get a tattoo to commemorate her on October 14th, 2015. Initially wanted to get it on the 13th but the artist wasn't working. The reasoning being that it was Ian Thorpe's birthday and he had been a pivotal role model in my life. I was 14 years old when I got my dog and my crush was Ian (it has been since I was 8 years old and up to age 25). Always had envisioned this plan that he would be my husband and would have my dog as a ring bearer at my wedding... It was an homage to this transition of a point in my life to where we are now...

She was/will always be essentially my totem animal (see part 1). This is why this quote, I think, hit me hard. I became so used to having her around and took advantage of her presence. Death is always around. It can be in the next couple of hours or a few years from now. That phraseology that "Live every day as though it were your last" (Carpe Diem, YOLO, etc.) really resonates with me now. I took advantage of her presence when I tried to confront my own mortality head on and I, certainly, took advantage of her in a period of time when I had my head stuck up somewhere. No blames to the boys in my past... (note the sarcasm in that last sentence). In all honesty, these are my regrets for not spending enough time with her, talking to her, rough-housing, and playing with her. 

(Side Note/randomness:) Why is it that certain cliches really work? There must be an element of truth in it for it to withstand the test of time. I find it interesting that death, really, is the absolute truth. Our troubles are certainly internalized, self-imposed, and anthropocentric dilemmas which are so trivial in the grand scheme of things.

Aside from her death, which I made that horrible, logical decision, there's a couple of other things that have been re-evaluated in my life. It's just been a coping mechanism to try and get over the mess that is my hyperactive brain. Just been thinking too much about her and this other situation going on in my life. I recently got an amazing opportunity at a place I feel at home and I'm going to grad school full-time. The only thing that is missing is my "furbaby"... She was the sole purpose for my going on and pursuing life. It just reminded me of 2011 (midway through my last semester as an undergrad), I lost my box turtle Bindie Sue. She was my "transition" puzzle piece from moving to the States in 2000 to 2011. Again, another angel that listened as I wailed on about life. This blog piece doesn't do her justice and, maybe, I'll write about her some day.

Essentially the last half of my childhood has faded.

I'm not really sure where this post intended on going really other than give snapshots of longevity and commitment but also some solace in the torment that it's not really longevity when the sands of time fade out in each and every one of us.

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