Blog Archive

Thursday, January 21, 2016

Wish you were here...Here I go again on my own...

There's bits of stale yoghurt-covered raisins in my molars. I'm sitting in a silent room filled with voices preoccupied in their own heads. Another semester is brewing in a familiar place, different season, and less familiar faces. It's always going to feel like home away from home but there's a different ambience. This time round I don't get to come home to a blue-Merled soul-mate. Instead, this is an extension of what I've built because of her. See, if it weren't for her I wouldn't push myself off the deep ends. (Example- going on a research trip to Japan, with people I hardly knew) Meaning, new situations and experience wouldn't arise, because, I'd still be stuck in my bed, not wishing to move or hope for some much as i'm digging my heels into this new trudging process. 

This trip in particular has been healing. I'm opening up about September-December 24, 2015, AKA The Fall... Realizing that shutting people out has not been productive. Truth be told, we all have things to deal with and I just didn't want anyone opening my burgeoning closet. Well it's spring semester (even though it's still winter) so therefore, let's start spring cleaning early. Air out the problems and donate those burdens to the cold hearted rich... Sweet Charity... 

One thing that was the cherry on top to the previous section of "Wish you were here" was my ex... We met initially in 2009 and then really fired up in 2014. I was getting over my childhood dream and this guy swooped in with his dark features. Just my dream guy- tattooed, muscular, perfect teeth, soulful eyes... Damn... Just thinking about him makes me melt over again... Anyway we were like a straw fire, quick to start, quick to burn out. We were equally enveloped in each other and had the intention of getting married. This was the first time I was actually serious about someone. He pushed me out of my comfort zone, I wanted to live a full rich life because of him. I met so many incredible people and thought my dreams were finally coming true without really expecting any of it. We pictured our lives in various countries just laying on the beach, hiking, exploring ruins only to be ruined... By a blonder, older, hyper-sexualized version of me times TWO. There were two "bimbos" (I hate degrading fellow women like this, but it hurts and there aren't any other tactful phrases). First one was an ex of his and second was this newcomer but she swept him off his feet and I ended up dumped. That cheap trick gets a diamond on her ring finger in the destination he and I intended, and I get self-awareness lessons! I was sent an invitation to his wedding the day before Christmas Eve. This made it all the more real and, needless to say, it was another twist in the heart. 

Random thought: (Learning to live again has been an interesting experience to say the least. My rubber band of a body stretched into work and school and everything instead of focusing on each of the matters at hand. On this trip I faced head on my self-introspective nature. Wrote another ten poems to make it officially 1000 poems under my belt. I've been in pain since Christmas and, yay it's not an ulcer but something a bit more sinister in my left abdominal region, I have no appetite... Nevertheless, it allowed me to get back into my body and realize my mortality. Also, I sit too much in my own head and over analyze every damn issue. Being swallowed whole is something I never want to do again. Why do I take things personally? If anyone has any thoughts please bring them up in comments! Totally game to some solutions. I'm already running every morning, doing yoga, and dancing even though my body also running on E. It's a body/mind disconnect.)

It was too painful to write about him... Even more so that I found another dark headed guy and he dumped me via text message. I've never been interested in blonde men (except for Billy Idol lol) but so far this is strike two... Bastille and airborne toxic event will never have the same meaning to me... Instead it'll be an indifferent sigh rather than listening to the lyrics. This should really be the least of concerns... There's not going to be a part three but just thought the first seemingly real love should well round this breakdown.

Thursday, January 7, 2016

The proof is in the pudding

I've been thinking long about this biannual seasonal depression and how much it's eaten at me. I'm fearing a lot more things than I usually do but yet feeling like an empty shell of a person. Been trying to deflect everything and hide my true feelings by joking around- creating smartarse captions to every single little thing. It's funny because it parallels what birds do- when they're sick or injured, they fluff up their feathers and make it look like nothing's wrong simply to avoid predation. 

I originally intended to post on social media how I was to combat this and 2016 was to be my year. You know the cliche "new year, new me" bs... Nup, it's going a different route. I'm going to prove that I'm actually going to combat this. The logistics haven't been worked out yet but life is always a work in progress. The motivation was taken from politics... Weird right? But I look at the American population and how they gripe about the political system in place without actually taking a stand. Voting is merely not enough. Sometimes being radical and proactive is what is necessary to make actual change. I'm starting not to believe in simple words but rather actions. 

Not to compare my own country but anytime something is not right, Australians throw out their government and start again. Well at least they did when I was living there. Not sure what US emulation strategy is now... Bfd... They point is I'm throwing out my old attitude and rebuilding and saving that inner child and no more fluffing...