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Saturday, March 26, 2016

Starting to overthink the future.

Was having a bit of a weird day. It's Easter weekend and so my family and I went to see My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 and ate Greek food afterwards. The movie hit a soft spot. I feel as though I'm not good enough to be in a relationship or have nothing to offer another person. That having a best friend and lover is just not in my cards. It was just a moment of weakness. Plus, lately I've just been putting myself in situations of feeling used as an endgame... Also, I see my parents' love of 30+ years and my brother and his girl of ~2 years... It's hard to believe that it could ever happen to me... 

My inner monologue goes something like this- I really want to give my all to someone. Have wonderful weekend nights out with that someone and then coming home together, honoring each other's needs. Realizing that despite our busy schedules throughout the week, we make time for each other. I want to cook every night for him and watch movies together on the couch, snuggled up in sweats. Tickle fights and back rubs. Providing our own dialogue to movies being the smart arsed people we are. Something so beautiful and simple. Surprising each other by listening to our deepest desires and acting upon it, provided the timing is right. Supporting and loving one another no matter what. Giving each other space and living our own lives but still coming home to each other. Being that fiercely loyal lion. Not giving up when it's hard, working at it and compromising. [God, I hate being single. Worst, I hate feeling sorry for myself like this. Plus am I just romanticizing love? Or deluded...]

Anyway, I suppose my guy friends best reap the rewards I'm giving. Simply just out of being nice and fulfilling some kind of nurturing need... Giving has always been easy for me. It's not a selfish, like looking for gratification, thing. I just enjoy doing things without expectations or reciprocation. 

Was thinking that maybe stress of this last year of university and working full-time is causing this anxiety about feeling as though relationships aren't in my future. I keep thinking I'll end up an old spinster with dogs and rabbits. End of 2016 into 2017 is the tentative plan of becoming emotionally available and open to any possibility. No expectations, just whatever happens, happens. But my priorities are school, work, and living life for me-healing from grief considering how many deaths I took personally last year. 

Sorry about the hard-to-follow text. Just needed to brain dump. It's stupid but it's cumbersome to feel this way...