Blog Archive

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

A new beginning.

I confronted the situation as vaguely described in my previous post. 

It wasn't easy but I got to talking with this person and decided to cut the proverbial cord. It wasn't an easy decision but ultimately the toxicity isn't worth it. I'm an independent woman with a strong ethical framework and thrive on adventure. 

Now I just have to send back all of the presents we gave each other and call it a day. It's hard when this person was an integral part of my life and someone with whom I impulsively wanted to spend my life and raise a family. 

The trip to Baltimore was an eyeopener. I got to spend time with my beautiful friend and her family. I met someone who changed my life forever and am so thankful for the belly full of laughs and the ability to express myself. We road tripped every day and went to Pennsylvania, Delaware, and Washington DC plus the wedding in Maryland. 

Good lord the jokes we shared... And how it continues through text message... It's like a machine gun... 

It's been beautiful to forget everything. It's also been great to gain courage to tackle the situation that gnawed at me and progress forward. I feel practically invincible and... Essentially... Myself! I haven't had a drink in a week and feel great. There's been no need to self-mutilate or self-destruct within this past week and be happy. 

Much love and peace to all. 

Thursday, November 5, 2015

Personal lamentations.

I'm sitting in the airport waiting with a chocolate crossiant in one hand and a pumpkin smoothie nearby. Typing with one hand isn't easy but I'm starving and this chocolatey goodness just hits a comfort zone. 

These last few days have been tormenting. I'm stuck in a self-imposed situation. Don't get me wrong, I have a beautiful life. In a master's program that feels impactful and I have a permanent job with birds in an institution I've devoted 3 years trying to get to this point. So... You may ask why things have been tortuous? 

Let me explain...

My personal life... 

I found out a few things about a particular person and it's gnawing at me because I can't find myself to confront this particular issue. It seems like a ridiculous reasoning to torture myself over someone else's ordeal but it also pertains to the nature of our being. As much as being the lent ear is a priority in my friendships, it's also something that can curse this brain I reside. This post is meant to be fairly ambiguous but it'll give you a glimmer of what it's like to care so darn much. 

It's contributed a lot to my anxiety. In theory, it'd be great to tackle this head on like the strong person I thought I was but at what cost? Do I jeopardize the friendship? Am I reading too much into this? What if it's a big misunderstanding? The big unknowns... 

It's inadvertantly jeopardizing all my other relationships as I've been fixating on this one problem and not being present. I can't focus on my readings because one word makes me think about this person and it all trains on from there. This really seems like a diary of a mad woman. It's crazy and ridiculous but it's human... I think, in the grand scheme of things, that's one thing I've been forgetting is that- it's human to feel. Feeling is that self-imposed situation. (Aside from the anxiety, it's been impatience, impulsivity, resentment, anger, irrationality, sleeplessness, and fear in the pit of my stomach... essentially insanity)

All of the closest friends I have divulged the situation to have told me to stick it out. 'If you love someone you work through this kind of nonsense'. The flipside- my parents have told me to remove myself out of the picture and move on. I can't really "let go"... but rather, immerse myself in "mind-alteration" such as work, school, and travel. The complication ensues... 

Last night was the cherry on top. Drank a bit more than usual just to get out of my head. Instead my nerves got the best of me. Without going into too much detail, some of it I regret. I should have just stayed home and listened to some old-school mixed tapes I made in my youth or watched an episode of Home and Away and called it a day. 

I just really don't know what to do...