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Friday, December 11, 2015

Unsure... With a shot of extra strength.

I’m sitting here in the window seat of the exit row, infuriated because of the people sitting next to me talking about their life stories  (you know the loud ones that think they’re the only people in an airplane) and,  also,  that it’s the end of an interesting trip. These past few weeks have been interesting in general. I have done a lot of growing up but, more importantly, searched into that introspective being. She’s back and with a vengeance. Despite everything going on in life, I find a way to run away from it all, gain clarity and then come back with a better perspective. Unfortunately, this trip wasn’t exactly that. I feel, in part, that my brain -  which has been belaboring a particular situation right now- made me overthink and fall into solitude. There are so many beautiful souls in my life but one stabbed whatever half of my heart I have left. I have a hard time writing about people in my life just because staining character on a public domain isn’t exactly “adult”. It tells an inaccurate description of that person through the lense of anger and fear. Our own biases clout our judgement and others, of whom we tell, we influence. I’m growing ever so resentful of this person simply because of misunderstanding or overthinking of what the word “Intimidation” means. It’s not so much being resentful but rather having the final straw. This isn’t the first time I have been told this and, quite frankly, it won’t be the last… never the less, there’s a persistent sting. 

I hate being strong… There are times I wish I could crawl into a ball and cry and cry and cry with someone holding me whilst in this position. I just have a natural inclination to push people away, sort out whatever it is and then move on. Needless to say, this culmination of feelings is ruining me. It not only has to do with that personal friendship but a past relationship and multiple deaths/family health scares since September. Everything has snowballed and it’s breaking me. Woe is me, not the intention of this post but it would be nice to have someone telling me it’s all okay and to just hug it out. 

What does it mean when a person tells you that you’re fairly intimidating? 

This started a new train of thought that I can’t quite shake as far as insecurities. I was a bold and outspoken chick who called people out and did whatever she wanted without anyone telling her otherwise. Things changed and what’s terrifying is, I don’t know when or how. I sit around contemplating life and the people in my life and question their motivations and it sullies my whole day. Then it starts getting to the point where I get myself so anxious, worked up and it turns to a series of gag reflexes (probably shouldn’t be saying that, knowing the connotation) or, in extreme cases, vomit. I’ve been told by my doctors to calm down and relax but nothing seems to help. Self-medicating became a vice- alcohol and muscle relaxers. I’ve done a lot of things this summer and fall that I regret. I suppose it’s all part of the human experience. Been experiencing nightmares such as seeing my dead grandmother (see previous post for September) and waking up crying hysterically. It seems like a bad omen. There’s something in the air that’s not sitting quite right. 

It’s times like these where running up to the mountains with my dog would have been the therapy I needed. Gosh, she was a great dog. So understanding, beautiful, and the better half of my existence. I miss her so much and there are times (now, especially) where I wish I was wherever she is. Always keep one foot in the grave. She still hasn’t visited me in my dreams and, yet, she’s come to my brother and mum. As much as it was the right thing to do, I feel I did her wrong by ending her life so soon. She was in pain and I didn’t know how long she’d been like that. What’s done is done. 

Black Friday, also, has a negative impact on my life as 2 years ago my other Grandmother, Virginia, passed away from a rare neuroendocrine cancer. I loved her so much but resented her for occupying my mother’s time in her later years. So selfish on my behalf. I’ve been to so many fortune tellers, psychics, and hanging around other people and they always say there’s Virginia. They can sense her presence around me but I have a hard time believing she would be looking out for me. My wonderful “aunt” who is an astrological reader said that an Aquarian is my life coach/guardian angel, which is fitting considering Virginia’s an Aquarius.

I feel like the volcano in Iceland… bubbling up with pressure. Mostly self-imposed, some influenced by simple phrases, traditions, or words… Between these little thought blips. Work and school have been amazing get-aways but I can’t seem to focus because of these thoughts and constantly feeling like everything I do… is wrong. Everything always seems to be my fault simply because of lack of patience, lack of rest, lack of joy and lack of that passion that once was. Just been going through the motions and waiting for that chance to erupt. 

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